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[25 Jan 2011|01:58am]
here's the deal

since about


a little over a week ago,

i've felt


out of

the loop.

away from my friends.

even writing this feels foreign.

i felt like somehow, in the process of everything,
i got catapulted back into the state of mind i had from the age of 4-16. the feeling i don't belong.

that EVERYTHING i say is poorly timed and misheard. i feel like an


i feel less than human.

i feel like i've forever failed.

i feel like maybe i had it once, my glory days in boston

where people invited me to dance, and move and sing and shine and they appreciated what they heard


everything i do is invisible or

everyONE i talk to
it's like s syndrome
i fee like i drank a toxin
that will perpetually effect the way i interact with other humans

i used to have some kind of swagger
some kind of charm
and even grace

now i am the bumbling fat kid in recess who no one wants on their kickball team

i'm in an environment that just expects me to be something
right now

other than what i have for work (thanks be to whatever i have that)



i have nothing

i feel like when i talk i'm drawing from a pail of dust

i feel like the songs i want to sing are based on fog

i feel like everything in me that was once solid

is dead

and here

i feel buried alive

i feel like each interaction with someone is one further swipe with my hand to try to get me out
to try to breathe

i hate myself

i hate how weak i've become

i am nothing in this city

i am a ghost and a sad, foolish girl who people expect a decent convo from

all i have is a series of grunts and jokes that are too soon
i interrupt everyone because i think too quickly
and people hate that here

i have nothing
i am equivalent to zero
i am empty
i have no skill to replenish
this is the chapter where i become a robot

my soul is lost and
my soul has vanished

i feel like it's time for me to evaporate

what better place than here...
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[08 Oct 2010|06:51pm]
things i want to work on while i'm here:

slowing down.

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[09 Jul 2010|12:26pm]
dear Universe,

I greatly desire to be living in the the Bay Area before 2011. Please, please help me make this happen. I will do almost anything on my end.


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some sublime in a moment of clarity [25 Jun 2010|01:27pm]
Early in the morning risin' to the street
Light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet
Got to find a reason a reason things went wrong
Got to find a reason why my money's all gone
But I got a dalmatian and I can still get high
I can play the guitar like a mother fuckin riot
Life is too short so love the one you got cause you might get
runover or you might get shot
Never start no static
I just get it off my chest
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
Take a small example
A tip from me take all of your money and give it up to charity
Lovin's what I got
It's within my reach
And the sublime style's still straight from long beach
It all comes back to you you're gonna get what you deserve
Try and test that you're bound to get served
Love's what I got
Don't start a riot
You feel it when the dance gets hot
That's why I don't cry when my dog runs away
I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay
I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot, hits
the bottle and goes back to the rock
Fuckin and fighting it's all the same
Livin' with Louie dog's the only way to stay sane
Let the lovin come back to me
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[27 May 2010|12:02am]
tonight i watched an almost full moon surrounded by lightning

i saw moonbeams

i witnessed a thunderstorm move across the horizon while talking to a friend about synchronicity, rebirth, evolution, the speeding up of our common sense of time, hypnosis, the warrior path...

tonight i watched the planet do a dance
it was furious, and it was righteous, and it was pink and yellow and flashed and it was so completely silent

it was reserved and outrageous
it was burlesque sky ballet
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[20 Jun 2009|05:18am]
about 2 days away from flushing this journal, and all those like it

down the tubes

i'm done, folks.

for now.

in this metamorphosis i am complete

it's time to crystallize

fuck it all

i'm going for it.
4 comments|post comment

William Butler Yeats, "A Coat" [04 May 2009|10:16pm]
I made my song a coat
Covered with embroideries
Out of old mythologies
From heel to throat;
But the fools caught it,
Wore it in the world's eyes
As though they'd wrought it.
Song, let them take it,
For there's more enterprise
In walking naked.
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yes, yes, yes, yes [19 Apr 2009|09:48pm]

It's not the spark that caused the fire
It was the air you breathed that fanned the flame
What you think you'll solve with violence
Will only spread like a disease
Until it all comes 'round again
Was John the only dreamer?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We'll wake up dreaming

Obsessions with self-preservation
Faded when I threw my fear away
It's not a thing you can imagine

You either lose your fear
Or spend your life with one foot in the grave
Is God the last romantic?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We'll wake up dreaming

Only love can turn this around
I wake up dreaming
Everything we've lost can be found
We'll wake up dreaming
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my god.. [11 Apr 2009|11:52pm]
this poem, this POEM...it quite instantly undoes me
tears, choked breath, face in my hands, the whole shuh-bang

enjoy :)

Stephen Dobyns: "Tomatoes"

A woman travels to Brazil for plastic
surgery and a face-lift. She is sixty
and has the usual desire to stay pretty.
Once she is healed, she takes her new face
out on the streets of Rio. A young man
with a gun wants her money. Bang, she's dead.
The body is shipped back to New York,
but in the morgue there is a mix-up. The son
is sent for. He is told that his mother
is one of these ten different women.
Each has been shot. Such is modern life.
He studies them all but can't find her.
With her new face, she has become a stranger.
Maybe it's this one, maybe it's that one.
He looks at their breasts. Which ones nursed him?
He presses their hands to his cheek.
Which ones consoled him? He even tires
climbing into their laps to see which
feels most familiar but the coroner stops him.
Well, says the coroner, which is your mother?
They all are, says the young man, let me
take them as a package. The coroner hesitates,
then agrees. Actually, it solved a lot of problems.
The young man has the then women shipped home,
then cremates them all together. You've seen
how some people have a little urn on the mantel?
This man has a huge silver garbage can.
In the spring, he drags the garbage can
out to he garden and begins working the teeth,
the ash, the bits of bone into the soil.
Then he plants tomatoes. His mother loved tomatoes.
They grow straight from seed, so fast and big
that the young man is amazed. He takes the first
ten into the kitchen. In their roundness,
he sees his mother's breasts. In their smoothness,
he finds the consoling touch of her hands.
Mother, mother, he cries, and he flings himself
on the tomatoes. Forget the knife, the fork,
the pinch of salt. Try to imagine the filial
starvation, think of his ravenous kisses.
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e.e. cummings "annie died the other day" [09 Apr 2009|12:12am]
annie died the other day

never was there such a lay--
whom,among her dollies,dad
first("don't tell your mother")had;
making annie slightly mad
but very wonderful in bed
--saints and satyrs,go your way

youths and maidens:let us pray
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[27 Mar 2009|03:34pm]


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[11 Mar 2009|06:52pm]
so this is how i was introduced to the concept of homosexuality when i was a kid:

while watching this (i must've been like 6 or 7) my father laughed and said to me,

"honey, pay attention. sometimes, men fall in love with other men"

"but dad, he's saying 'SHE drives me crazy," i retorted.

"i know honey...i know."

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[09 Mar 2009|04:18am]
an actual conversation that just happened between me and my boyfriend:

me, staring at his belly button: "you have this weird red ring around your bellybutton.."
dave, without missing a beat, "oh,yeah i put a quarter in it earlier."

i love us.
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[11 Feb 2009|01:00am]
ok...i didn't think i could laugh any harder after watching the rundown the other night...i was wrong...

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[10 Feb 2009|04:45pm]
yes, yes, and more yes.

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[01 Jan 2009|09:08pm]

Score another one for the good guys!!!!

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omg. i love you. [03 Oct 2008|10:24pm]

Read more...Collapse )
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it's always cold in siberia [11 Aug 2008|01:31pm]
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[08 Aug 2008|03:16pm]

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[05 Aug 2008|12:07pm]
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